January 1st, 2023

In America…

HIDING

I have spent my life charging forward. And then in full retreat. 

I started taking small risks in my career in my twenties and with each one, I gained more confidence. To the point that taking risks—putting myself out there—became a habit. I went from someone uncertain, afraid of shadows, to fearless. Except. 

Every time I was on the brink of a major breakthrough, the doubt crept in. "Will the spotlight expose me? Will the pressure crush me? Am I worthy of this? Will I lose control of my schedule? How will this impact my family? Will I lose my independence?"

All of these could be considered rational and worthy questions. Until you look back over decades and realize they too became a habit—a way to hide, an excuse to run. Backward. Back to start something new, to work my tail off, to do the heavy lifting, to take it to the brink...

And then once again, full retreat and repeat. Stopping just short, always.

So my pendulum swung—from fearless to fearful, back and forth, back and forth—lulling me, ticking away the minutes of my life. But no more. 

I choose today to step into the scariness and uncertainty of whatever is on the other side. To have faith that I can manage.